Up Yours

I'm a very permissive guy, despite my inner code of ethics. As long as you're not intentionally trying to bug me, harm me (or someone else), or engaging in some self-indulgent distraction with no regard for anyone else's risk of arrest for simply being in your vicinity, I'm pretty much okay with whatever it is you do.

Just because I will rarely verbally reflect upon or complain about your behavioral choices, enlightened or stupid, please don't assume that I embrace them myself. If I want a beer, I'll order one. You haven't ordered for both of us just because you've bought a pitcher. It's all yours – go for it, Wundergut, I'll watch. And the next one is on you, too, just like the first.

But there is one act that makes me cringe when I see it done incorrectly. I cringe because it is one of the few social body language cues meant to be pretentious, and in that regard, requires purity. And it's so simple, that to botch it is to shout to the world of one's lack of competence – with a misguided enthusiasm for its pretension. Like driving a racecar into the wall while waving victory to the crowd, on the NEXT-TO-last lap.

It's the "thumb-up" sign. It was invented by the ancient Romans, to communicate to the emperor from the back row how much blood and carnage was needed down in the arena to sate their dark loveless hearts. And in its original form, the "up" sign meant death. There was no "down."

The Upward Thumb underwent a transformation in World War I, used by the then-new breed of warrior, the fighter pilot, to let his crewmen know he was ready to hit the throttle – "Outta the way, I'm headed upward!" He used it to encourage his fellow fliers from across the airfield. And in the air, to reassure them from great distances, that he'd survived a barrage of enemy bullets. It was even used to salute a particularly brave or talented combatant of the other side – the first-generation sky soldiers actually revered each other, regardless of tail insignia.

The tradition continued in World War II, only reserved for one's own, not freely exchanged with those shooting at you.

So this is a hand gesture with a formidable history. Its pretension is counter-balanced by an unwritten résumé of gallantry and emotion. There is just one solemn rule regarding the thumb-up: it's sublimely masculine.

Sure, a woman can do it. A child can do it. There's no restriction as to who may give or receive a thumb-up signal. Roger Ebert considers it his all-but-legally copyrighted trademark, despite being a roly-poly moviehouse nerd his entire life.

The thumb-up is all-inclusive, and universally understood across most every creed and culture around the globe. A few cultures may consider it an insult via symbolic rectal indiscretion, but they are a definite minority.

It is ultimately a manly gesture to be sure. Its heart is hetero, yet that doesn't mean alternate-lifestyled individuals are denied from it. A drag queen managing a beauty salon in an orange-sherbet colored jumpsuit, pumps and painted toenails is totally welcome to utilize a thumb-up to approve the completion of a customer's handsomely worn beehive – no problem.

But the classic execution of a thumb-up... is macho. Despite the irony, it's like ballet: you either point your digits correctly and do it absolutely, or you're a pretender, and even those unschooled in its nuance can spot you.

The fay thumb-up, fraudulent and disgraceful, used by people who lack its implied self-confidence, is a feeble handshake pantomimed. Make a soft fist with your fingers, but poke your thumb out like a meerkat from a dirt hole.

It's holding an unused spatula in cooking class. It's making the head of a hand-turkey with watercolor.

A real thumb-up is a solid fist, with thumb held aloft. Hitchhiking in Death Valley. Popping off a rattlesnake's head. Make it look like your thumb's mere downturn will transform your hand into a pain-dealing flesh hammer. Your intensions need not be ruffian, and ideally shouldn't, but the true thumb-up is a rude buddy. Its message should be the exact polar opposite of the flip-off, but its intensity should be similar.

Just get it right. Regardless of your gender, orientation or circumstance, either do it like a man, or kindly mince your candy-ass out of the room.