Monday, August 31, 2009

The Garrulous Spiral

This is a subject I simply cannot play passive about, although in public I generally keep my thoughts to myself. Here I am not as restricted.

More and more lately I've found myself picking my jaw up off the floor, from the increasingly harrowing stupidity my ears have been witness to – and I do not refer to political statements. I mean sheer parachute-free spelunkings into the bottomless cavern of mental absenteeism.

Let me just quote the stand-outs (with my afterthoughts in parenthesis). You be the judge. Keep in mind, all these quotes were made by adults.

It helps to hear the true idiocy at work, if you read them with an upward inflection, y'know??

Heard across a row of pumps at a gas station, on a particularly bright morning.

"Geez, where IS all that sunlight coming from!"

(Uh, that big shiny ball dealy-bob... a couple miles overhead... maybe. Just a guess.)

__________

Heard, unfortunately, at work:

"Yeah, I have this thing in my car that tells me how warm it is."

(That would be the THERMOMETER. I asked the guy who sells cars at the car sale place.)

__________

Heard in a coffee house, between two twenty-something twits, talking over their respective laptop screens:

"Then like, like, you know, the whole, like, issue of, like, the English learning thing."

"Oh God, yeah, like, all, like totally."

(May I point out something: The above conversation, though consisting of English words, is not English. I'm sure there are angels pondering what these two believed they were discussing.)

__________

I'm sorry. In the world I grew up in, adults did not talk like this. In my formative years, there was not usually a shortage of adults who were worth looking up to, in terms of emulating their character, and working to match their level of reasoning and mental maturity.

Should I be scared?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Augustus Randomus

I'm willing to call Coke and Pepsi a tie.

When Denny's redesigns the menu, they think they're fooling you into believing the food's better.

Every so often on the news, you'll catch a glimpse of the anchor-person adjusting something – his tie, his earpiece, etc. Just once I'd like to see Katie Couric straighten the torpedoes... then strike her serious anchor-woman pose. Just once.

Most of Hollywood's great stars of yesteryear could not pass a screen test today.

Don't answer a personals ad that contains, in any way, both the words "fuzz" and "butter." Just don't.

During an interview, Oprah should get up and casually put on a strap-on dildo. Not use it, necessarily, but just wear it. The look on the guest's face. That would be great.

Public farting has only been out of favor for the last 150 years or so. Not that long ago, in the grand scheme of things.

I admire people who have their shit together, I only hope they've washed their hands.