I had a notion to jump way ahead in my efforts to wish everyone a Happy New Year – eleven months to be exact. In a way, just planning a new year's eve party by itself is the epitome of living for the moment. There's a whole year still sitting there, that could use a little long-term thinking. We didn't do much of that in 2009, and look where it got us. So let's rattle some cages and set an itinerary for the NEXT holiday season, beginning with everyone's fave dress-up day!
Nowadays mostly grown-ups do Halloween, while the kids stay home and Wii. In that light, I'd like to offer – a year in advance – a few costume ideas for young-at-heart Halloween adventurers. Stunningly original outfits that are sure to be real attention-getters around any neighborhood. Enjoy.
10. AN ANNOYING NEIGHBOR WITH A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
Old jeans. Tank-top. Flip-flops. Lots of bling. And before wearing it, store your costume in a misty cuspidor for that aroma of chain-smoker goodness.
Insist on giving that four-part tribal handshake that nobody can do right, to whomever answers the doorbell, with a loud "Awwwrriiggghhhhhh!" Don't ask, but DEMAND several helpings of candy. Complain about their yard, and how much better it would look if they took care of it as well as you do your own. Remind them how crappy everything they own is, compared to yours. Then ask if you can come back later for whatever candy is left.
9. A SACK OF MONKEY CRAP
Find a cheap gorilla mask. Create the body of the costume out of an old burlap bag – smudged liberally with spots of brown paint. Carry a concealed baggy with actual poop (horse, dog, any species of feces will do) to provide the olfactory element.
PERSON AT DOOR: "Holeeee shit, what's that smell!"
YOU: "It's me, I'm a sack of monkey crap! Give me some candy or I won't leave!"
8. A FAST-FOOD DRIVE-THRU
Fashion a body-sized cardboard box with two eyeholes, plus make your candy receptical out of an old fast-food bag of your choice.
When the door is opened, do a quick 'static' sound effect and say "ticcchhh-er-tee." When they ask you to repeat, say again "tigggcchhh-errr-teeee."
7. AN EMO ON THE REBOUND
Color your hair and nails black. Wear black lipstick and go way over the top with mascara, blush and eye-liner. Wear lots of purple, green and BLACK. Conceal a few chops of onion about your person, to help you stay teary and sniffly, and also to give yourself the air of someone who sleeps in their car frequently. Bring along some pre-crumpled sheets of binder paper, that your 14-year old niece has covered with bad teen poetry. When the door is opened, start reciting.
Then ask the person at the door if your poetry is worth all the candy in the bowl. As they slam the door in your face, scream "WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT MY LOVE??"
6. AN iPHONE
Scan your iPhone's front on a copier, then blow it up until you have a costume-sized picture of an iPhone that you can wear! When knocking on doors, instead of holding out a bag, present a 70-page itemized bill for all the candy.
5. AN OPEN MIC NIGHT GEEK
Go for big laughs with jokes that would get a poker-face from even a sugared-up 3rd grader. When the people at the door don't laugh, flip them off. Tell them how long it took you to come up with your material. Hold your bag out for a chance at "sympathy candy."
4. A URINE SAMPLE
Cut leg holes in a huge industrial-strength plastic bag. Tape the leg holes water-tight to your thighs. Tie off the top after filling it with lemonade. Make a cap out of Saran-wrap and a rubber band. Paste a label to your chest, hand lettered: "Herpes Simplex III" or simply "Bladder Infection."
3. KANYE WEST
The minimum you need are expensive sunglasses and a hand-held microphone. When another trick-or-treater rings the doorbell, jump in front of them, and burst into a loud, improvised rap about how bad their costume is. Swat away any candy tossed at their bag. Then show up later at the same door, ring the bell, and apologize for your earlier behavior – call the trick-or-treater you had abused a true artist, an unheralded genius.
2. MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Dress like a JCPenny closeout sale exploded on you. Hold an empty coffee cup as if there is still one more lukewarm sip left. Nod your head at everything said to you with a vacant 10-mile stare. Call out obvious single-word proclamations as if they were life-affirming mantras. Example: "Candy... ... ... awesome." High-five the person at the door. Tell them what great work they're doing. Take a fist full of Mini-Snickers bars and powerwalk to the next house.
1. YOUR PARENT OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER
If you're a guy, go in drag as your own Mom. A girl, go as your own Dad – even paint in facial hair if necessary. Explain to those at each and every house you visit, that you are dressed as your parent of the opposite gender. You will get all the candy immediately. The door will slam. The porchlight will go out. Nobody civil wants to interact with your level of sandblasted nutjob.
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