Starbucks Makes You Stupid

DECAF CASH COW

Each and every one of us can be proven to be a total idiot, in some area of life or another. But Starbucks makes idiots out of staggering numbers of people, every day. Maybe they're idiots to begin with.

If you purchase a Starbucks "grande" size coffee drink at approximately $4 every day, that's $28 a week, not counting sales tax.

You can purchase a 12-ounce bag of grounds of the same coffee, or one that's practically identical, at most supermarkets for between $8 and $12. You get about 6 full pots of coffee to that bag of grounds. Each full pot equals about 8 regular cups, or about 4 "grande" paper cups of coffee.

If you're going to argue that it's the TASTE that makes the difference? Please. You probably also still believe that M&Ms have different flavors. It's all psychological, and the makers of M&Ms know it. They are all just SUGAR-COATED CHOCOLATE... every color. The colors are just vegetable dye – no flavor. Nothing more.

And if that designer coffee tastes so wonderful, Ms. Gourmand, why all the add-ins? Milk, honey, cane sugar, nutmeg and powdered lhasa apso urine?

The only real difference between Starbucks coffee and homemade – besides the sucker-bait prices – is that you must make the coffee yourself, and be denied the 10 minutes of STANDING AROUND while a lanky, uncombed music major with jagged bass-player's fingernails handles your order and chats up the female employees with his rapier-wit and charisma, while "processing" your expensive, chic coffee THEMED beverage. Sometimes you even get to witness his finesse at flipping the fridge open with the grungy toe of his sneaker, making the coffee maker gurgle oh-so bubbly and juggling a gallon milk jug with his pinky. A honed machine, this t-shirted champion. Your money at work, oh connoisseur. And you can even get your coffee with some LEFT OUT. That rip-off is cleverly called "room for cream." Putz.

You also get your coffee in a tall paper cup, with one of those clever wrap-around cozies to keep your special little multi-tasking fingers from getting burned, you workhorse you, and don't forget the plastic lid... and the wooden stir... don't let all those trees die in vain, Mr. Greenearth.

When you make coffee at home, do you use such trivial accessories? More than likely not. And if you do... what kind of trend-whoring moron... nevermind.

And then the paper packet of Equal... and the cinnamon... and nutmeg... and the dab of honey. Test the spirits to make sure whether you feel like whole milk or half-n-half today. Oh, I forgot, it's milk on workdays, half-n-half when you "splurge" on the weekends. This all qualifies as obsessive-compulsive behavior, did you know that?

Damn the torpedoes! This cup of colored water with heaping dairy and spice additives is visual proof that you are hip. 21st Century. You've arrived. Now back to some more WoW on your $4,000 laptop! Worth every penny when you're a Level-70 Dwarf Priest and Hand-to-Hand Battle Shaman! A back alley encounter with a drunk Marine would do you wonders, oh mystic warrior.

Wow, am I bitter. Anyway...

A decent travel mug costs about $10. It holds about 2 regular cups' worth, or about the same as a "grande" size paper cup. Maybe a bit more. If you want to go further, a stylish metal thermos will run you as little as $20. And it's the SAME COFFEE, Sherlock. It really is. Don't "oh contrairé" me – get over it.

So, are you ready for this? A $4 Grande size coffee every day for a year comes out to $1,456.00. No I didn't misplace the decimal point. You're pouring a part-time McDonalds employee through your bladder every 4 years – with room for cream.

On the other hand, a travel mug of coffee, yes, coffee made by YOU (sorry), is... nearly twice as much coffee per day as a single Starbucks cup, with a price that figures out to about $2.50 per pot, or 41 cents per travel mug. Or $179.65 for the whole year. That's the 41 cents, times 365 days a year, plus the 1-time $20 and $10 costs of the thermos and travel mug.

Let's see now. $1,456.00 vs. $179.65. Again... $1,456.00... $179.65. PUTZ!

But wait, you didn't just buy a cup of coffee. You got a decaf double-espresso latté frappiola with fog grass germ and extra foam. You can't just whip those up at home, now can you?? Well, alright, you got me. (Pardon my nit-picking, but what the hell is the flippin' POINT of a decaf espresso? And isn't foam just AIR? Sorry – those are such nagging concerns.)

Could such an otherworldly beverage be proof of your sophistication? Would Bach or Voltaire even comprehend a double-mocha soy-caramel machiatto with sprinkles? Where were such drinks before Starbucks? In the minds of crazy people, that's where.

Yes... yeah... okay... the other case for coffee is that it's a medicinal herb and that the coffee-culture is really our health consciousness raising its head triumphantly at last. I ask, if you drink coffee for health reasons, why aren't you matching that robust self-heroism with an equally sound financial sensibility? And where was all this health-consciousness before Starbucks came along? Dennys?

But you can't afford not to look cool – got it. Don't let me block your determined path. By the way, if you've ever seen a prostitute strut up and down the boulevard, you must know that all whores consider themselves cool.