Great Bachelor Recipes!

No wife? No problem. (No decent woman would walk barefoot on your kitchen floor anyway!)

SOUTHWESTERN TORTILLA WRAP
1. Tortillas
2. Any pre-cooked meat item in fridge
3. Kraft BBQ sauce
Spread meat onto tortilla. Pour BBQ sauce to taste. Roll tortilla into a tube. Microwave 3 minutes. Eat over the sink.

TURKEY-CRAN SALAD SANDWICH
1. Canned turkey meat
2. 1 bottle of Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice Cocktail
3. Lettuce
4. 2 slices of white bread
Soak turkey meat in Cranberry Juice Cocktail, then microwave 5 minutes. Put on bread, add lettuce. Spit out. Gawd, it's disgusting. Are you nuts or what?

WHOLE-WHEAT ENGLISH MUFFIN PIZZAS
1. 2 whole-wheat English muffins
2. Leftover pizza – not too old
3. Butter
Put English muffins in toaster. Take leftover pizza from fridge. When muffins pop, glaze with butter. Put leftover pizza slice between the muffins and eat like a sandwich. Chase down with gulps of grape soda! This is your house – you are king!

FILLO DOUGH SPINACH POCKETS
Search all over supermarket. Eventually ask a clerk what the hell "fillo dough" is, and where in the damn store it is located. When asked why you want it, say "I'm making Fillo Dough Spinach Pockets for dinner, nosey whore – shut up." Search around supermarket some more. Stare blankly at spinach in produce section. Give up. Buy a whole box of frozen burritos.

HAWAIIAN CHICKEN PITAS
Nearly same procedure as for Fillo Dough Spinach Pockets above, only a little easier to think through without the aid of the filthy skank clerk. No, Hawaiian chickens don't cluck with a Hawaiian accent. "Clook-clook, brah." Think about it – it's chicken and pineapple, Junior Space Cadet. Cook it up, and put it in a pita. Yes, pita bread... you know, that goofy round bread that splits open like a flat football, and you can put stuff in it. Like at Jack-In-The-Box. Only from the supermarket. Yes, they have it here.

CHEF JON'S COOL FRUIT SOUP
The gayest recipe in years. No need to go into detail. Suffice to say, you may want "Waiter Shaun's Hot Meat Rod" for dessert.

PROSCIUTTO & GOAT CHEESE CROSTINI
This is either a dinner entrée or a strange medieval weapon.

BROCCOLI & CHEDDAR PASTA SALAD
Need this one explained to you? Gawd!! Well, alright. Put broccoli, cheddar cheese and pasta together. Nuke 'em. Take out when cheese melts. Eat and burn a hole in your throat. Have soda ready, in case.

PBJ & MORE!
Oh give me a break. Okay. Make a PBJ. Your PB. Your J. Your bread. It doesn't matter what brands, you obviously made that decision already when you bought them. It's passed. It's over. Deal with it. Now... have something IN ADDITION to the PBJ. That's the "& More" part. Got it? Awwwrriiighhhhh.

CHEF RON'S CREAMY DIRT CAKE
Someone is out to get you. Do you have any enemies? Any names come to mind off-hand? Well, this is what you'll be dining on at their house if you're stupid enough to accept the invite. Chow down! Don't spend too much time thinking about what the "creamy" ingredient is.