My Power

I have an uncanny power to control people. My most offbeat whim is their command. On my cue, they put important errands on hold and abandon even the most meticulously prioritized assignments. And I need not give them a glance.

There are those who envy this gift of mine. Everyone harbors a fantasy to change people with only a thought – to never compromise with family, friends or, well, anyone. No more to settle for second choices, or a backup plan when the original falls flat.

"Never Again" would be their personal mantra to everything bad that has ever happened to them in life – and their escape clause to every imaginable bad thing still waiting to strike.

Admit it, your attitude would take an upswing if you could count on everything going your way, every single day.

People would wonder where you get your uplifting outlook, your energy, your positive aura, your ambient joy. "It's because I control everyone," would be the secret answer behind your gregarious grin.

I must start practicing that grin. For if you ever see me with it, you may also see that it's forced. I can control people, but in ways that I can't control.

No, I can't make the guy turning right on the red light without braking, yacking on his cell phone, see me in the crosswalk. But when I'm driving and want to change lanes, I can make every driver in that lane floor it to get by me.

My power can't suddenly make that cute supermarket cashier charge me half-price for my groceries with a twinkle in her eye. But by simply deciding that I'm tired and want to go home, I can make every other shopper in the store suddenly logjam the check-out lines. Those same check-out lines may even have been completely empty, with bored cashiers, just moments before. It doesn't matter.

I perform this feat of mass mind control on a regular basis. Sometimes I even make the shopper ahead of me try to pay by check, minus a usable I.D.

I may just as easily make them request something that forces the cashier to phone for a manager and hold the line up – long enough for my cold sodas to get warm and my frozen dinners to thaw. Have you ever wondered about this phenomena? Look behind you, it's me. Asshole.

I can't make my coworkers the least bit interested in my personal life. I get the usual "how was your weekend?" But do they listen as I regale them with the requested tableau of my adventures? No, they're already on the phone, or rushing to get their turn with the copier.

Yet by simply taking a moment to check my personal email, I can cause all office activity to stop cold, and everyone within eyeshot of my screen to lean in, as if on spontaneous coffee break, and chime "say, what'cha reading there, hmm?" Suddenly I am my company's official ambassador to all things fun and distracting, despite not being worthy of a yawn, one minute prior. Such is the immensity of my power.

If I could bottle it, I'd be worth millions. Any live telecast would become like nothing ever seen before when I picked up the remote. How about an entire half hour of involuntary flatulence at the anchor desk on tonight's news? It could happen. Or for that obnoxious DJ that everyone else likes at work, how about a sudden bout of Tourette's Syndrome? On second thought, no one would really notice a DJ with a potty mouth, would they? It's too commonplace.

I'm the one fighting off a sudden outbreak of Tourette's, here. It's been that kind of day. A day ruled by... my power.

If I ever find out how to control how I control, the world will become a nicer place for me. Selfish? No, because you'd do the same thing yourself. Now answer me.