Last year at this time, the Joker's most daring heist involved derailing a huge mail train out of New Jersey. After bringing the deranged clown of crime to justice once again, among the recovered goods was found a time-stamped parcel containing letters all marked to one addressee – a "Mr. Kringle" residing at the North Pole – all now hopelessly past their delivery date. Out of a sense of moral completion, The Dark Knight took it upon himself to personally respond to each undelivered missive. What follows is a small sampling:
I am trying to talk nice, and not say words I shouldn't say. Even if I am just repeating what daddy says all the time, it is still bad. I am very good to my sister, Hannah
- Sara, 4.
Dear Sara
I am appalled that any parent, directly or indirectly, would instill such a vulgar trait in his 4-year old child. Sounds like your dad could use a hour or so dangling at 50 stories by a batrope, staring fearfully into my angry gaze. Your call – let me know.
Season's Greetings – Batman
What type of fuel do you use for your sleigh or are your reindeers just hyper? Either way, I hope you won't miss our house.
- Matt, 11.
Dear Matt
The Penguin genetically altered his namesakes to fly once, each carrying an explosive charge to dive-bomb Gotham. Luckily, I was able to divert them into the maw of a nuclear reactor where they were each vaporized harmlessly.
Season's Greetings – Batman
I WAS AT THE MALL TODAY AND I WAS WAITING FOREVER IN LINE TO TELL YOU WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS. SO I REALLY LIKE THAT I CAN MAIL YOU MY LIST RIGHT AWAY WITHOUT LINING UP. WELL EXCEPT FOR AFTER MY LITTLE BROTHER.
- Nichole, 8.
Dear Nichole
Your little brother is indeed fortunate to have such a thoughtful older sister. I am deeply moved.
Season's Greetings – Batman
Santa, you know how it is nowadays, my parents are divorced, so please put me on your special delivery list to come 2 nights, Christmas Eve at Mom's and Christmas night at Dad's. Thank you!
- Ashley, 7.
Dear Ashley
Greed is the enemy of all free people, young lady. And you should be thankful you have parents, even crummy ones. Yes, crummy; they produced you. Do some time at a homeless kitchen and get back to me.
Season's Greetings – Batman
It is really cold here. Make sure Rudolph wears his sweater :) and Reindeer mittens.
- Donna, 9.
Dear Donna
Mittens would hinder a reindeer's hooves from sensing a need for traction and balance. They have fur for a reason. Basic biology, dear child. Science is your friend – hit the books a little harder next year.
Season's Greetings – Batman
Dear Santa, I would love all the presents I asked for but my mom deserves them more. I have been getting presents all year from my mom and she works hard to get them for me. My mom doesn't know how much I love her that's why I want her to have all my presents. Love, Victoria
- Victoria, 12.
Dear Victoria
I almost teared up over this letter – nearly had to utilize the ol' bat-hanky. Nice try – but I see through your ruse. And one of those presents would no doubt be TICKING, wouldn't it. Rest assured, Victoria, your evil plan will fail. Didn't count on ME seeing this, did you? Give it up, Victoria, a life in prison isn't worth it.
Season's Greetings – Batman
I have tried to be good Santa, but boys will be boys. You must know that cuz you are a boy.
- Henry, 8.
Dear Henry
Bring your evil to Gotham and you'll have me to deal with, mister.
Season's Greetings – Batman
Dear Santa, Did you know that people here used to think that you were a goat?
- Johanna, 17.
Dear Johanna
A goat? Actually, I'm rather unhappy with the costume design for Christian Bale's persona of myself in the second film. The cowl looks like a doberman's head from the rear. Interesting observation, young lady. Thank you for allowing me to vent.
Season's Greetings – Batman
If my brother been bad, do I get all his gifts?
- Bradley, 8.
Dear Bradley
No, technically you wouldn't want that option. Santa, according to tradition, brings a lump of coal to bad children. So if you take your bother's gift, you'll only get his lump of coal. Interesting power-play attempt, young Bradley, but next time think things through a little more.
Season's Greetings – Batman
Please make sure the reindeers eat all their carrots, tops too! becauase they're veggies are good for them!
- Tara, 5.
Dear Tara
Reindeer are naturally vegetarians. So they probably don't need much encouragement to eat VEGETABLES.
Season's Greetings – Batman
You are very good at keeping quiet on christmas eve, but I know you`re there.
- Edwina, 8.
Dear Edwina
Yes, Santa is far and away the master of stealth. Though I have never met the man, I consider him a mentor. Truly an inspiring individual.
Season's Greetings – Batman
I know that I may not get the bike because mom & dad said I had to wait until I was 9 to get a new bike.
- Brenna, 7.
Dear Brenna
Your parents said 9. Are you 9 yet? Rhetorical question; it is obvious by the undertone of disappointment in your letter that not all the necessary elements are in place in order for you to obtain a bike, according to your parents' sensibilities. I'd say you would have wasted Santa's time with such a comment – grow up.
Season's Greetings – Batman
My friends didnt beleive that I could mail Santa. This is cool!
- Mikaela, 8.
Dear Mikaela
Cool but pointless. Your letter contains no gift request, which is the most basic purpose of a letter to Santa, is it not? So you may think you have showed up your friends, but the joke is on you, isn't it. Think next time.
Season's Greetings – Batman
Thank you for thinking of me and all the other kids around the world.
- Michael, 7.
Dear Michael
I'm certain Santa would have been touched by such a comment. To me it is meaningless. But if you are ever in danger at the hands of evil, Michael – the Riddler, Clayface, or someone of that nature, rest assured I am on the job.
Season's Greetings – Batman
My Dad did the naughty/nice test and was called a little stinker. Please give him somthing he did'nt mean to be bad.
- Saoirse, 10.
Dear Saoirse
My initial impression is that your dad certainly failed the "name your kid something pronounceable" test. My sympathies.
Season's Greetings – Batman
Dear Santa, I have been I good boy this year but I have had quarrels and even fights with my little brother and I'm going to try and be better about stopping a fight instead of always picking fights with him. After all he is littler than me and I have realized it isn't fair.
- Austin, 10.
Dear Austin
I have an even better idea. How about I come teach your younger brother how to, oh, say... spin you like a top and send you head-first into a wall... or dislocate one of your shoulders with just his thumb... basically how to use your larger size against you and OWN YOUR BULLY ASS in any number of situations? I'm betting that would shut down all the "fight" problems at your house, wouldn't it. Spend Christmas THINKING ABOUT THAT, Austin.
Season's Greetings – Batman
I want everyone in the world to play nicer with each other. Mommy wants everyone to take better care of the world and Daddy just wants to read his Sunday paper in peace.
- Ellis, 7.
Dear Ellis
Your mother is likely the very reason WHY your dad wishes for serenity during his Sunday newspaper read. As you grow up, you too may find yourself in the company of a similar woman, if your mate selection instincts echo those of your father. Just a heads-up, young man.
Season's Greetings – Batman
I think I heard you in my house this morning but when I looked I could not find you.
- Candice, 9.
Dear Candice
I'm Batman.
Season's Greetings – Batman
I have tried to be very good all year, I only messed up a few times, but I tried my best, and thats what my mom and dad said counts.
- Heather, 8.
Dear Heather
Just make sure when you mess up, it's not in Gotham. That's my burg. 'Nuff said?
Season's Greetings – Batman
I help my mom with the dishes and i help my grandma and grandpa by giving them lots of hugs .......So please give them something nice too!
- Katelyn, 6.
Dear Katelyn
You could seriously injure your grandparents. Their bones are brittle at their advanced age. Try a joyous, but gentle, handshake instead. They will appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Season's Greetings – Batman
Thank you for waving at me at the mall. You really do love me!
- Marisa, 2.
Dear Marisa
If I "waved" at you, your next thought would have been "ow, that batarang glancing off my eyebrow really smarts... oh, I'm blacking out..." So it wasn't me. Sorry.
Season's Greetings – Batman
could you bring me some nail polish too, cause other kids in school have some, and i dont.and i would like to wear it cause im a girl and girls do that kind of stuff. thank you Santa
- Deryn, 5.
Dear Deryn
You're 5. Your parents have earned my wrath.
Season's Greetings – Batman
Dear Santa, I'd prefer you bring us love and happiness not only during Christmas holidays, but also throughout the whole year!
- Stavroula, 6.
Dear Stavroula
The world is a dark place. Even a Santa Claus can be overwhelmed by a world of shadows and nefariousness. That's why there's me. I'm Batman. Tell your friends, scum.
Season's Greetings – Batman
Dear Santa, I'd like the new Spiderman action figure play set. He is my favorite superhero.
- Danny, 7.
Dear Danny
Spiderman is merely a fictional character in comic magazines and cartoon TV shows. Wouldn't your parents disapprove of your living in such a fantasy world? How about instead one of the many Batman action figures and accompanying accessories? They're educational, well-made and really "cool." Reputable toy manufacturers like Mattel® and PVC® offer a wide array of posable action figures of myself and my friends, plus my "rogues gallery" of dastardly arch enemies for your playtime amusement – balanced against adequate periods for homework and chores of course. Look online, with your parents, for the best bargains – and shop early for the holidays!
Season's Greetings – Batman
(And finally this letter, unstamped, was among the others:)
Dear Santa, all the time you tell folks to be merry and joyful. I see smiles everywhere I go at Christmas. But I have a permanent smile that doesn't always reflect my mood, and all I'd like is a normal face that doesn't attract attention all the time. I'd really like to frown at something, not because I'm angry or sad, but because I'd just like to have the option. I think if I could change my facial expression occasionally, I'd actually become a nicer guy, and would be able to stay out of trouble completely... law abiding... actively involved in the betterment of my community and a boon to my neighborhood and family. Sincerely, The Joker.
You twisted fiend. Next time, you're going down for good. That's a promise.
Season's Greetings – Batman
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