Feb. Rand.

Whenever I wonder how fantastic flying cars would be, I have to remind myself that half the people in real cars either won't or can't figure out how to drive safely – with painted lines on the road yet! And clearly marked road signs. And huge overhanging directional lights on timers. Do I want those people trying to FLY something from point A to B?

The most unmanly phrase I've ever heard out of the mouth of a man, at Target: "Oooh-looky, this-n's cheaperrrrrr." Try it. There's no way to say this in any way even remotely heterosexual.

For years I thought Slammin' Sammy Firebaugh was a real person – perhaps a sports figure from the early days of football, or something similar. I Googled him and discovered... it's nobody. Just a name I'd made up – and somehow misfiled in my brain, under "long-term trivial factoids."

The reason they don't "make 'em like they used to?" In some cases, it's because the damn things weren't selling THEN, either!

I think there's something subconscious in the way we've developed keychain computer storage units with more and more memory capacity, that are more and more the size and shape of anal suppositories. Ponder that one. We are paring all life down to mere digital information, compressing it into something we can carry like loose change, and shaping it into something to DILDO ourselves with!

A coughing fit while sitting on the toilet is one of nature's instant laxatives.

Oh yes, ma'am, you CAN have TOO MANY DAMN PETS.

Sorry, but "Moons Over My Hammy" is by far the greatest thing ever printed in a Denny's menu.

More Denny's tips: Getting to know your waitress on a first name basis is not the way to get into her pants, or even get better service – it just means she won't feel as guilty for taking 45 minutes to bring you a cup of coffee, and you won't have any real right to get steamed about it – you two are buds, after all.

Sometimes the only therapy that works, is bacon.

I wonder if, on the Titanic, mere seconds before the iceberg, someone at the bar ordered a drink, and said "and make it on the rocks."

Getting older is hell, but for some reason I'm glad I was born when I was.