The last time my back went out, I learned something. You can't pull your pants up when your ass cheeks are holding onto them for dear life!
I have great difficulty keeping track of birthdays, but I can remember sneezes I had fifteen years ago.
The Dennys pledge: Something about your dining experience will make you vow never to eat here again... but you'll be back.
A truly surreal moment is when you need to tell your sex partner to shut up because you're losing your wood, hearing all the gossip.
Eventually I will get tired of a problem and solve it, but not one minute sooner.
Once you finally see the sublime answer, you see it everywhere.
DRUDGE REPORT HEADLINES I'D LIKE TO SEE:
Congressional hearing turns booger-fest!
China to keep pumping out more Chinese!
Under photo of Hillary: The Shit You Say!
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